“I thought the whole team played really well,” said Houzvicka, a 9-year-old rookie, who has gained the trust of coach Willie Desjargins.

Books are useless! I only ever read one book, “To Kill A Mockingbird,” and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds! Sure it taught me not to judge a man by the color of his skin…but what good does *that* do me? Look out, Itchy! He’s Irish! They only come out in the night. Or in this case, the day. Thank you, steal again. Lisa, vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and Eskimos. I was saying “Boo-urns.” Ahoy hoy? Uh, no, they’re saying “Boo-urns, Boo-urns.” How could you?!

Haven’t you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain Whatshisname? We live in a society of laws! Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn’t hear anybody laughing, did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. Makes sound effects and laughs. Where was I? Oh yeah! Stay out of my booze. When I held that gun in my hand, I felt a surge of power…like God must feel when he’s holding a gun. I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming. Homer no function beer well without.

The Last Temptation of Homer

What good is money if it can’t inspire terror in your fellow man? Uh, no, you got the wrong number. This is 9-1…2. Marge, you being a cop makes you the man! Which makes me the woman — and I have no interest in that, besides occasionally wearing the underwear, which as we discussed, is strictly a comfort thing.

How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive? A lifetime of working with nuclear power has left me with a healthy green glow…and left me as impotent as a Nevada boxing commissioner. Can’t you people take the law into your own hands? I mean, we can’t be policing the entire city! I’m allergic to bee stings. They cause me to, uh, die. I don’t like being outdoors, Smithers. For one thing, there’s too many fat children. Stan Lee never left. I’m afraid his mind is no longer in mint condition.

Dad didn’t leave… When he comes back from the store, he’s going to wave those pop-tarts right in your face! Last night’s “Itchy and Scratchy Show” was, without a doubt, the worst episode *ever.* Rest assured, I was on the Internet within minutes, registering my disgust throughout the world. Donuts. Is there anything they can’t do?

When will I learn? The answers to life’s problems aren’t at the bottom of a bottle, they’re on TV! Hi. I’m Troy McClure. You may remember me from such self-help tapes as “Smoke Yourself Thin” and “Get Some Confidence, Stupid!” Whoa, slow down there, maestro. There’s a *New* Mexico? But, Aquaman, you cannot marry a woman without gills. You’re from two different worlds… Oh, I’ve wasted my life. Son, when you participate in sporting events, it’s not whether you win or lose: it’s how drunk you get.

Dear Mr. President, There are too many states nowadays. Please, eliminate three. P.S. I am not a crackpot. Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and then the baby looked at me. I’ve done everything the Bible says — even the stuff that contradicts the other stuff! Donuts. Is there anything they can’t do? “Thank the Lord”? That sounded like a prayer. A prayer in a public school. God has no place within these walls, just like facts don’t have a place within an organized religion.

I don’t like being outdoors, Smithers. For one thing, there’s too many fat children. Kids, we need to talk for a moment about Krusty Brand Chew Goo Gum Like Substance. We all knew it contained spider eggs, but the hantavirus? That came out of left field. So if you’re experiencing numbness and/or comas, send five dollars to antidote, PO box… Please do not offer my god a peanut.

Jesus must be spinning in his grave! I’m going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won’t be back for ten minutes! You don’t win friends with salad. I can’t go to juvie. They use guys like me as currency. Your questions have become more redundant and annoying than the last three “Highlander” movies.

But, Aquaman, you cannot marry a woman without gills. You’re from two different worlds… Oh, I’ve wasted my life. Remember the time he ate my goldfish? And you lied and said I never had goldfish. Then why did I have the bowl, Bart? *Why did I have the bowl?* Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that’s even remotely true!

I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming. And here I am using my own lungs like a sucker. Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals…except the weasel. I don’t like being outdoors, Smithers. For one thing, there’s too many fat children. What’s the point of going out? We’re just going to wind up back here anyway. Marge, you being a cop makes you the man! Which makes me the woman — and I have no interest in that, besides occasionally wearing the underwear, which as we discussed, is strictly a comfort thing.

What’s the point of going out? We’re just going to wind up back here anyway. Your guilty consciences may make you vote Democratic, but secretly you all yearn for a Republican president to lower taxes, brutalize criminals, and rule you like a king! Donuts. Is there anything they can’t do? Me fail English? That’s unpossible. Inflammable means flammable? What a country.

Please do not offer my god a peanut. Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you’d step over your own mother just to get one! But you can’t stop at one. You wanna drink another woman! I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming. Stan Lee never left. I’m afraid his mind is no longer in mint condition. Beer. Now there’s a temporary solution. Marge, you being a cop makes you the man! Which makes me the woman — and I have no interest in that, besides occasionally wearing the underwear, which as we discussed, is strictly a comfort thing.

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The key to victory is discipline, and that means a well made bed. You will practice until you can make your bed in your sleep.

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